


Past Times

by haldoor



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-02
Updated: 2012-01-10
Packaged: 2017-10-28 18:31:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/310887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haldoor/pseuds/haldoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Warnings/Spoilers:</b> The whole of S1 and the first 3-4 episodes of S2, to be safe.<br/><b>Disclaimer:</b> I don't own any of it; I make no money, yada, yada<br/><b>Beta:</b> <span></span><a href="http://siluria.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://siluria.livejournal.com/"><b>siluria</b></a> had her arm twisted again, although she claims she does little.  I know the truth & that's what counts. ;-)<br/><b>Summary:</b> When Danny tells Steve he's reconciled with Rachel, Steve tries to be happy for him, but his crush on his partner is eating him up; in his pain, he turns to the one person who will understand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This was written around the end of S1 and beginning of S2 as it went along, so some of what was happening in the 'Now' parts is direct from the show at that time, but it swerves from canon quite a lot, so consider the storyline to be AU on the whole. Also, I have taken liberties in the 'Then' parts with Steve's past between the ages of 18 and 22, assuming he lived with his father and attended college in Hawaii during that period. 
> 
> The lyrics are from the Eric Clapton song 'All Our Past Times'.

  


_I don't want to be the one who thinks of nothing  
I don't want to be the one to tell you what you have seen_

  


**~ NOW ~**

Steve looked less than happy as he walked into the Five-0 HQ, but he smiled briefly at Kono and Chin as he headed into his office without speaking. Chin and Kono exchanged a look, but didn't say anything either. Chin got up from where he was sitting and took a step towards the office, unsure whether going in was a good idea right now.

"You think he's okay, cuz? Danny's all right, isn't he?" Kono asked.

Chin turned back to face her momentarily. "Yeah, he's fine. Jenna caught it; they say there's no lasting damage, but he has to take it easy for a while.

"I'll talk to him."

Kono bit her lip thoughtfully, but said no more as Chin knocked at Steve's door. "Boss?" he asked, putting his head inside.

"Yes, Chin? You got something for me?"

"Steve… is everything okay?" Steve frowned at him over the file he was holding and opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but then he gave Kono a brief glance through the glass wall between them and shook his head before looking back down at the papers again.

Chin came right into the office and shut the door behind him, gesturing with his eyes to indicate to Kono to leave the building; he was fairly certain Steve wasn't going to say anything with her in sight. Chin knew from experience that Steve didn't like people to see him when he was feeling vulnerable, and he was showing all the signs of being upset right now.

Kono took the hint and disappeared as Chin edged a hip onto the side of Steve's desk. "Danny's okay?"

"Yeah, he's good. He's… well, things are… I think he and Rachel…" Steve gestured helplessly and then picked up the paperweight on his desk and turned it over and over, concentrating deeply on the movement.

"They're what?"

"Back together." Steve put the paperweight down and met Chin's eyes, his look still serious. "I mean… it's good, right? I'm happy for them."

"That's gotta be hard for you to see."

"It shouldn't be though, should it? I _am_ happy for them, Chin, but…"

"While Danny was single, there was hope."

Steve let his eyes roam the room for a moment before meeting Chin's steady gaze with a guarded look. "Am I that obvious?"

"Not to everyone, Steve. But I know you, remember?"

"Yeah." Steve put the paperweight down and stood up, wandering restlessly toward the window and looking out. "Better than I should have let you know me."

"Look, Steve… we're long past all that. I've accepted what happened, and I haven't brought any of the old issues up; I didn't think you wanted me to. You set the pace when I took the job, and I knew we'd just be work colleagues, and hopefully friends this time, brah. But it doesn't mean I can't see when you're hurting. You want to talk about it?"

Steve looked back over his shoulder. "I care about Danny; I'm just concerned for him. I don't want him to make the same mistakes he made before and get hurt again. _I'm_ not hurting. I _knew_ there would never be anything more than there already is between him and me."

Chin studied Steve's eyes, smiling sadly. "No matter what you tell me – or yourself – you had hopes, Steve, and having them… altered… has to hurt some. I understand that feeling only too well."

Steve's brows scrunched up in confusion. "You just said…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know." Chin waved it away and got to his feet, moving towards Steve, still smiling despite his words. "I'm telling you _I_ don't have hopes and then saying _you_ do. I see the irony in that, believe me."

"You're not… really… you don't want me back though, do you? Not after what I did?"

"Steve… I never stopped caring for you, you know. I understood why you ran away. I didn't hate you for it, though it was rough at the time. I got past that, once I understood why you left."

"I… I made it harder for both of us by asking you to join the team, didn't I? I trust you though, more than anyone else if you must know; that's why I asked you to come to 5-0. I knew I had to keep things cool and I figured you'd get that." He paused, obviously uncomfortable with the discussion. "I thought… it would go some way to paying you back, but it's been the opposite, hasn't it?"

"You don't owe me anything, Steve." Chin took the last couple of steps between them and put a hand on Steve's shoulder. "There's nothing to pay back. And… it hasn't been so hard." Chin dropped his eyes for a moment before looking into Steve's troubled ones. "Seeing you every day; what's hard about that? You're a good man, Steve, and you're doing great work here; I'm proud to be a part of that." He squeezed Steve's shoulder and let go again. "Danny… Danny is old enough to make his own mistakes. Older than we were back then, anyway. He doesn't know what he's missing out on."

Chin could see Steve was making a supreme effort to hold it together; that what he'd said had affected him deeply. Perhaps he shouldn't have come in and started all this when Steve was so obviously down. He backed away and nodded. "Take it easy, brah. We've got nothing happening at the moment. Go home, yeah? I'm gonna wrap up this check I'm doing and finish soon myself."

"I don't…" Steve started, then cleared his throat, and looked away. "I… that is… I think I need a drink."

Chin frowned, trying to decipher Steve's message. He lifted his brows with understanding after a moment, but Steve wasn't actually looking at him. "You want to grab a beer? You sure it's a good idea… with me?"

"It's a great idea," Steve told him, meeting his eyes with determination.

Chin nodded again at the door, still uncertain. "Give me five minutes."

Ironically, it had been over a beer the first time, all those years ago.

  
**~ THEN ~**

It was only the second time Chin had been at the house that Jack McGarrett lived in with his son when Steve came on to him. Of course he'd seen Steve around a few times before that; had always thought what a good-looking kid he was, but no more than that. Chin was working with Jack then; his son was hardly someone Chin figured he'd get involved with. How wrong he'd been.

"Should you be drinking that?" Chin asked Steve, startling the eighteen year old swigging from a beer bottle in the hammock in the backyard, as he came out for air from the poker game going on inside.

"Shit, you nearly gave me a heart-attack, brah," Steve said, grinning and swigging again. "I can hold it. It's one beer and I don't have to drive anywhere."

"I was thinking more along the lines of you being underage outside a house full of cops," Chin said, raising a brow as he neared the gently swinging hammock and leaned against the tree it was tied to.

"Nah, they won't care. It's not the first poker game I've experienced with a beer in my hand."

"I bet your dad doesn't know, does he?"

Steve struggled up out of the hammock and moved closer to Chin. "You gonna tell him?" he asked belligerently. "I'll just say you gave it to me."

"You think he'll believe that?" Chin studied the kid carefully. He hadn't been so close to him before and he almost backed up at the proximity, but he figured Steve would see it as him backing down. He held his ground as Steve got right into his personal space.

"Why not? I don't lie to him. Besides, some guys'll do anything to get a kid like me malleable. You one of _them?_ "

Chin shook his head, confused. "I don't fool around with kids, Steve." Now he did move away, questions filling his head. "Someone try something on you? One of his poker buddies?"

Steve quirked a lip and took another gulp from his bottle, turning to face the ocean. "Nah, just messing with you, brah."

Chin snorted softly, moving to stand beside him, but not too close. "That's not in very good taste, you know."

Steve didn't speak, but he looked a little guilty as he drank from the beer bottle again, and then turned to study Chin carefully. "You're a good-looking guy and way younger than most of them." Steve gestured unevenly towards the house. "Why aren't you out with some cute girl on a Saturday night?"

Chin glanced at the light spilling out onto the lanai behind them before turning back towards Steve. "Could ask you the same question."

"Don't want a cute girl," Steve muttered, gazing out over the darkened sea.

"No?" Chin wasn't sure what his next line should be, but he could feel the thump of his heart under his thin shirt. There wasn't any point in telling Steve he felt the same way.

"No. Most of them just want… hell, never mind." Steve looked close to tears, and Chin felt his heart go out to the kid.

"There's a lot of pressure at your age. Especially being a star football player." Steve spun his head, his eyes wide as he studied Chin's expression, but he didn't say anything. "I know how it is, man. I was there."

"Did you… I mean… there are always girls who want to be with you just so they can say they've done it with the quarterback, right?"

"Oh yeah." Chin laughed softly. "All kinds of girls. And sometimes… it seems like… it's all too much."

Steve grinned then, like he'd just discovered something new. "Yeah, yeah, exactly, man!" He swayed slightly, and Chin put out a hand, grabbing his elbow, worried he would fall. He suddenly seemed drunker than he had been. Steve swung around at the touch, his other hand meeting Chin's upper arm and gripping it. "Can I tell you something?"

Chin let go of his elbow but Steve held on to him, blinking into his eyes seriously. Shit, he was one hell of a good-looking kid. "Sure."

"I've never done it. Not even once."

Chin blinked, unsure why he was getting this confession.

"Too fucking scared, if you want to know. Most of my buddies? They have. But me? I can't even imagine it. Of course I haven't told them that; they'd never let me live it down."

"I get it, man. It's not easy to know what to do. I mean… girls are different. You gotta treat them carefully; make sure they want it _and_ that you won't get them in trouble. But you know it's okay not to do it too, don't you, Steve? It's not like it's a race. You've got time."

"Thing is… I'm not sure I want to, ever." Steve let him go now and sank down to sit on the grass, rubbing his head. He drank from the bottle before dropping it at his feet. "How old were you the first time?"

Chin felt his heart beat increase as he dropped down next to Steve. "With a girl?"

"No, with a Chihuahua," Steve snorted. "Yes, with a girl."

Chin let out a nervous laugh. "Umm… maybe a little older than most."

Steve turned curious eyes on him. Shit! Chin looked away, licking his lips.

"That's not an answer," Steve said, leaning closer like he could read it in Chin's expression. "You're what? Twenty-two? You're not telling me you're still a virgin, are you?"

"I'm twenty-three, and no, I'm not a virgin." This was dangerous ground though, and Chin was beginning to regret the whole conversation. He should have left after Steve's so-called joke about someone messing with him.

"So when did you do it? How old?"

Chin decided there was a way out of this. He'd been stupid to ask _with a girl?_ in the first place, but honesty could be restored by simply answering the 'when did you do it' without specifying sex. "I was twenty, if you must know."

Steve's grin returned, and he threw a casual arm about Chin's shoulder. "That wasn't so hard, was it? It gives me hope, anyway. I got two years to go, then."

Chin huffed, wondering how he could get Steve to take his arm away without making it seem like he was trying to get rid of the kid. "A lot can happen in two years."

"Oh, I bet," Steve whispered into his ear, sending a shiver of delight right up Chin's spine. "Like discovering your dad's protégé smells so fucking good you want to lick him all over."

"Fuck, Steve," Chin let out, pulling away and standing up. "You're drunk. Your dad-"

"My dad wouldn't fucking _notice_ if I licked you and _then_ let you fuck me." Steve looked angrily up from under his long lashes. He slowly staggered to his feet. "And don't try and tell me you wouldn't enjoy it."

Chin was speechless. He took a breath, but he couldn't find a single word to say.

"Forget it." Steve stomped off, haphazardly heading for the patio door to the house.

Too embarrassed – and he had to admit, too turned on – to follow, Chin watched Steve go inside without looking back. Once he'd disappeared, Chin whirled and headed around the side of the house towards his car. He hadn't been drinking, although all the other guys here were. He was fairly sure they weren't going to miss him.

How in hell had Steve known?

~//~


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: Steve and Chin go for a drink after work to talk; it turns into something more
> 
> Then: Chin pulls Steve over for speeding; Steve invites him out for a drink

_I don't want to be the one to say I'm sorry  
I don't want to be the one to take the blame_

**~ NOW ~**

"I just… I don't get it."

Steve had had several beers by now and although his words were still careful, his inhibitions had obviously lowered. His expression was sorrowful and he kept bumping into Chin's shoulder as they leaned on the railing of the outside bar at Hal's.

"What don't you get?" Chin asked, sipping from his second bottle. It would be his last if he was going to drive Steve home, and he had a pretty good idea by now that he'd have to.

"He was all… I mean, he's so straight-up on questions of morality and what's good for Grace. I just don't see him flipping like this; sleeping with another guy's wife – even if she is his ex – especially when Grace is right there."

"I don't know what to say, Steve. He loves her?" Chin shrugged.

"Yeah, guess so." Steve dropped his eyes, a sigh escaping his perfect lips. "I should… head home, maybe."

"You ready to go? I'll drive you; don't want some eager cop picking you up for DUI"

Steve quirked a lip, turning those beautiful hazel-blue eyes on Chin. Chin swallowed the last of his beer, looking away before Steve could see how it affected him.

"Like the time you stopped me? I don't think I'd react the same way now."

Chin didn't say anything. _You probably wish that you hadn't reacted like you did then_.

"I may need some help getting up the stairs," Steve said, swaying slightly as he moved away from the bar.

Huffing, Chin put out a hand and grabbed Steve's elbow. "Just with the stairs, brah? Maybe the whole way, huh?"

Steve giggled; a very masculine sound and incredibly sexy, but nonetheless a giggle. It made Chin smile, though he knew he was getting into dangerous ground all over again.

The drive didn't take long, and Steve closed his eyes and leaned back against the headrest the whole way. He wasn't asleep though; his breathing was too tense for that.

"Come on, Steve; let's get you inside." Chin got out, walked around the vehicle and offered Steve a hand.

"I don't deserve a friend like you," Steve muttered, taking it and letting Chin help him out of the car and put an arm around him to lead him up to the door.

"Keys?" Chin asked without commenting on Steve's words, taking the keys as Steve fumbled them out of his pocket, and unlocking the door.

It took a few minutes of manoeuvring to get them both inside and the door shut, and Steve was almost laughing again by the time they got to the top of the stairs, but somehow they managed. Chin led him into his bedroom and had Steve sit on the bed while he kneeled down to remove his boots.

Once they were off and Steve had fallen backwards to lie on the bed, Chin stood up and walked to the door. "Get some rest, brah, and I'll call you in the morning to see how your head is."

"Stay."

Chin turned, frowning, unsure if he'd heard right. "You don't want me to do that."

"I do." Steve had shifted so his legs were both on the bed. He looked incredibly lost as he lay there against the pillow, one hand outstretched, and Chin felt torn.

Shaking his head, Chin took a breath. "I shouldn't."

"Why not?" Steve furrowed his brow like he genuinely didn't understand the refusal, and propped himself up on his elbows. "Please, Chin? I need you; I really need you."

He looked about ready to burst into tears and Chin was reminded how rarely Steve allowed this side of him to show and how much it made Chin want to take care of the man. He dithered for a moment, knowing this vulnerability on both of their parts was exactly what had gotten them into trouble before and would probably only do so again.

" _He_ doesn't want me. You do. I want _you_. What's so wrong about that?"

"You'll regret this tomorrow. Alcohol's playing a part here and-"

"Fuck that! I can't… it's so fucking unfair. Please, Chin?"

Chin turned his eyes heavenward, sighing. It wasn't good, but he couldn't make himself refuse. Steve sat up on the bed, half-covering his face, like the rejection was killing him. Chin moved nearer, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Steve let go of his own face and pulled Chin in, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and half-sobbing into his neck. "I don't care if it's a pity-fuck. I need you."

"It's never going to be that, brah." Chin shifted Steve's fingers and took hold of his face in both of his hands. "I need to be sure you're not going to hate both of us tomorrow, that's all."

"I never hated you," Steve whispered, one single large tear overflowing from each eye as he gripped Chin's hands holding him.

Chin nodded, using his thumbs to brush the tears away, and then leaned in to kiss Steve's lips. Steve opened up to him, his grip loosening and sliding up Chin's arms as he pulled him further onto the bed on top of him.

Chin had almost forgotten the touch of Steve like this, and he moved over him eagerly, pushing at his t-shirt and lifting away to remove clothing from both of them. Steve helped minimally, too uncoordinated to be of much practical use, but it didn't matter. Chin had always done just fine in taking the lead with Steve, no matter that Steve was usually the instigator in their sexual relations.

He loved Steve's body; couldn't get enough of it, and Steve moved just as he always had done all those years ago, like he wanted Chin just as much. Even his drunkenness wasn't slowing him down once things really got moving; he sucked and licked at Chin's neck as Chin moved over him, rubbing their cocks together, hands pulling him in.

"What... what do you really want?" Steve asked between kisses, breathing heavily as Chin pulled back to look at him.

"Anything you need," Chin answered, heart thumping as he studied the darkness in Steve's eyes.

"Give it to me hard."

"You sure?"

Steve didn't speak, but he nodded, flipping over and shifting towards the headboard as Chin moved back to allow the action.

"You got something?" Chin asked, stroking a hand over Steve's ass-cheek.

"In the drawer."

Chin reached for the nightstand and found both lube and condoms easily. "You…" he started, and then let the thought go as Steve reached an arm out and grabbed him, looking back over his shoulder at Chin.

"Don't say anything."

Chin nodded, frowning at the lost look in Steve's eyes. The look reminded him so much of the old Steve, the one he'd known so long ago, and his heart went out to him. "It's okay," he whispered as he sat over Steve's thighs and dropped the lube and condom in favour of touching him.

Steve sighed as Chin ran his hands up the man's flanks and back down again. Leaning down over him, Chin let his cock slide along Steve's crack as he kissed between his shoulders. Slowly, he repeated the motion with his hands as he kissed lower, his cock rubbing leisurely back and forth as he moved. Steve pushed up slightly under him, soft sounds escaping his lips as he turned his head to the side and buried his hands under the pillow.

Chin felt his control slipping, and Steve shivered under him, like he sensed it. Drawing back, Chin found the condom and tore it open roughly, taking both hands off Steve to get it on. His cock pulsed with need and he hissed as he rolled it into place. Steve glanced over his shoulder again as he did so, meeting his eyes with the neediest look Chin could remember seeing on him.

Picking up the lube, Chin squirted a generous amount onto his fingers, teasing his cock with the coolness on the way to Steve's ass. He slid backwards, and then shifted so Steve could spread his legs. Steve took a deep breath as Chin circled his asshole with damp fingers, then pushed the tip of one just inside, wiggling it as Steve groaned. He was so hot in there, and as Chin pushed his finger deeper, the muscles took hold of him, making his cock throb again. Chin circled his finger, thrusting in with a second digit as he eased it out and then back. Steve groaned again, the sound hitting Chin viscerally, and making it too hard for him to wait any longer. He yanked his fingers out and moved nearer, hissing as he guided his cock where it needed to be.

"Oh Jesus…" Steve let out, pushing back as Chin thrust in.

Jesus Christ indeed, Chin thought, squeezing his eyes shut at the tight heat gripping his cock. They hadn't done this much last time around; their relationship hadn't lasted long enough to make a habit of it once Steve finally gave in to it. The other way, sure, but even that hadn't been a regular part of their repertoire until Chin had managed to convince Steve he wanted it.

Chin paused to give Steve time to adjust, then at Steve's shaky 'please', he started to move in earnest. Steve moved eagerly under him, pushing back as hard as Chin was pounding into him and Chin wondered briefly if he was hurting him; if he'd feel it more than he should in the morning.

"Harder!" was all Steve said when Chin tried to ease off, though, so he didn't try that again.

Close, Chin needed to know this was doing it for Steve, and managed to reach under the man with one hand, curling sweaty fingers around Steve's dick and pumping it. Steve groaned again and that was it; Chin's release burst out like a hot geyser. He continued to piston his hips even as he milked Steve's cock of all he had. Steve's muscles squeezed unbelievably tighter as he came and Chin's breath was sucked away. He managed a couple of weaker final thrusts before collapsing down onto the sated man under him.

Steve's heartbeat dueled with his own as they lay there; Chin kissed the skin nearest his mouth and rolled away at last, disposing of the condom into the nearby trashcan before flopping onto his back beside Steve.

"Needed that," Steve whispered, flailing an arm until it found Chin's body. He shifted slowly, but pulled Chin nearer. "Don't go."

"Not capable of it, brah," Chin grunted, rubbing circles on Steve's arm that held him.

"Good."

Chin tried not to think of anything beyond how amazing that had been – how much he'd missed it – and somehow his denial of how wrong it was worked, and he drifted into nothingness before many minutes had passed.

 

**~ THEN ~**

Chin got out of the squad car and walked to the driver's window of the vehicle. "License and registration, please."

"Of course, officer." The man reached for the items and turned back to hand them to Chin. "Oh, hey, Officer Kelly."

Chin took the documents, looking at the young man properly for the first time and smiling tightly. He hated pulling over kids of other cops, and this one was the worst of all, considering how their last encounter had gone. It had been some years since that party at Jack McGarrett's, but Chin remembered it as vividly as yesterday. He wondered if the kid did. "Steve McGarrett. Do you know what speed you were doing?"

"Uh... thirty?" Steve, as drop-dead handsome as ever, was trying an innocent look.

"More like forty, Steve."

"Really? It didn't seem like it. Hey... my dad'll kill me if I get another ticket. You work with him, don't you? Isn't there anything you can do?" Steve wasn't smiling, which was unusual in a case like this – most of the smart-alecs who'd used that line before tried so hard to be smooth – and Chin frowned at him in thought. "It's been over a year since I got one and... you know how it is, it reflects badly on him. It took months before he stopped reminding me last time."

Chin narrowed his eyes, sensing some kind of trauma behind the explanation, but he didn't want to push for more information. The last thing he needed was to get involved in something between father and son. "Look, the street's been quiet and I'm nearly finishing my shift. I wouldn't normally do this, but if you're on your way home and you assure me you'll stick to the posted limit..." He indicated a sign within easy viewing distance. "I'm going to let you off this one time."

"Thanks, Officer Kelly. Thanks so much; you have no idea how much you've helped me." The relief sounded genuine, although Chin did wonder if the kid was just a good actor.

"Don't let me catch you again, though, okay?"

"You won't; I promise. Officer... uh, Chin?"

"Yes, Steve?"

"Could I... when you're off-duty, that is... maybe buy you a beer?"

Chin studied the kid. He'd grown some in the last few years, or solidified somehow. Must have been the high-school football, and whatever he was doing at college. He looked older too, of course, but not in a worldly way; more like he'd learned something positive. Maybe whatever had been going through his head those few years ago had been worked out. What harm could one beer do?

"You'd better make it just the one, then, if you're intending to drive home afterwards."

Steve grinned, making Chin's stomach flip. "I'll take the truck home now and catch a bus if it'll make you feel better?"

"Well, it would, to be honest," Chin smiled back.

"Okay. Oahu Hal's all right with you? In about an hour? That give you enough time to get changed? Wouldn't want anyone to think I was trying to br... uh, forget that. I'm giving you the wrong impression, aren't I?" Steve looked mortified at what he'd almost said, the implication too close to reality.

"It's okay, Steve. Make it an hour and a half and I'll be there."

It was probably a mistake, but Chin couldn't help but be curious. He waved Steve – still blushing at his faux pas – away and headed back to his squad car.

~//~

By the time Chin got to the bar, it was bustling. It took him a while to get a drink, but he spotted Steve without a hassle after that. Nodding across the room at him as their eyes met, he carefully made his way to where Steve sat nursing a beer and a slightly guilty look.

“Hey,” he acknowledged as Chin sat opposite him, hiding his face in his beer immediately after he spoke.

“You sure you want to be here?” Chin asked, sipping from his own glass.

Steve looked up in surprise. “Why not? You don’t really think this was about a bribe, do you?”

Chin studied him for a moment before answering. Steve had to know how attractive he was, and if he had really understood about Chin at their last encounter, this could be exactly what Chin was now beginning to believe it was. The nervousness was probably down to that, whether he’d done anything like it before or not. Even if Steve was interested in men, Chin had to assume the guy was probably pretty careful not to make that open knowledge. Knowing his father and the culture Steve was brought up in, he didn’t think the kid would be too obvious.

“What is it about, Steve?” He may as well not waste time. He was curious, but not about to do anything foolish.

Steve licked his lips and looked over Chin’s shoulder as if he was sizing up the room. Chin followed his gaze for a moment, noting a few hungry-looking girls staring in their direction. Steve attracted attention wherever he went, no doubt.

“I guess I…” Steve met Chin’s eyes once more. “Do you remember that night at my dad’s? What I told you?”

Chin hardly needed reminding. He nodded.

“There’s no one else I can talk to. My sister is… I can’t say things like this to her. As for my dad… he just wouldn’t understand. You… I know I hardly know you, but…” Steve swallowed, dropping his eyes. “I kinda thought you got it.”

It was hard to believe Steve hadn’t wrapped his head around this yet, and that Chin was the only person he felt he could talk to.

“You really want to talk about this here? In public?” Chin queried, watching Steve take another chug from his beer.

“I didn’t think you’d talk to me in private. And… no one’s listening. It’s too noisy here.”

He had a point. They were talking at a level where they could hear each other, but beyond the table where they sat it probably just added to the general bar noise.

“Okay. So what’s on your mind, Steve?”

“I met this guy a couple of months ago.” Steve wouldn’t meet his eyes properly, and there was a slight flush to his cheeks. “He… we did things. You know.” Steve gestured unevenly, and tried to smile. “I’d never done stuff before that, apart from… well, with girls. I haven’t done anything since either, but…”

“You want to? And when you say you’ve done stuff with girls, you mean…?”

“After we talked that night… I… hell, I didn’t worry about it for a while, but then there was all this _pressure_ , you know? From the football team and all. The girls were always there; you know how it is. I did what any guy would do. I mean, it went okay, I guess. I enjoyed it; she seemed to. I thought all that other stuff that had been going through my head was just bullshit. I forgot about it.”

Chin was pretty sure – going by the expression in Steve’s eyes – that he hadn’t completely ‘forgotten’ about it, but he’d obviously pushed it to the back of his mind.

“But this guy? He’s still around? Pushing you, maybe?” Chin narrowed his eyes.

Steve shook his head, disappointment or something like it in his eyes. “The thing is…”

Chin waited, sipping more beer. Whatever was bugging Steve about this, he needed to take his own time in explaining.

“I liked it.” Steve lowered his voice and leaned forward a little, eyes flickering from Chin to the room at large and back again. “Way more than with girls.”

Chin's heart sped up, and he had to take a deep breath to stop himself from flushing; whether from pleasure or embarrassment, he wasn't sure. "Okay. So what do you need help with? I mean, I assume you're asking me something here?"

Steve took a breath too. "I just… I mean… he – the guy, that is – he gave up on me. I didn't feel right about… seeing him again. My dad…"

He might have been twenty-two years old, but Chin could see the insecure teenager in Steve; his need for reassurance and acceptance was coming through loud and clear. Steve certainly didn't believe his father could give that to him.

"But if you wanted to; if you liked him and he cared about you…" Chin began carefully. "I know how you're feeling, believe me."

He put a hand on Steve's wrist where it lay on the table between them. Steve's eyes flew open wide and simultaneously he jerked his hand away. "No… not here." His voice was low, but the fear in it was evident.

Chin made a conciliatory action with both hands low to the table, well aware of attention they could draw to themselves by being too obvious. "Okay; it's cool. I get it."

"Let's go outside," Steve said, eyes back on the crowd around them.

Chin nodded and they both stood up. Checking around them himself as they moved towards the balcony door, Chin was sure Steve was being over-sensitive, but he didn't want to scare the kid away. He'd latched onto Chin as the opportunity presented itself; the fact he'd done so with someone he barely knew suggested he'd been holding things inside for way too long. The least Chin felt able to do was to offer an unbiased ear for anything Steve needed to unload, and perhaps a few words of encouragement to Steve so he could avoid spending his whole life denying who he was.

Out in the late afternoon sun on the deserted balcony, Steve took a deeper breath and walked to the railing, gulping from his glass. Chin followed him and stood beside him sipping from his own beer, waiting for Steve to compose himself.

"Thing is…" Steve finally said, his voice pitched low, "I'd like to know if it was just a one-off. I don't know any other… guys like me, except for you." He turned to offer Chin a nervously speculating look.

Chin's brows drew together. "And if you hadn't run into me tonight, you'd what? Get up the courage to look for somewhere to meet others eventually? Where'd you meet this guy?"

"College; he was in my psych class. He asked me about an essay we had to write and… anyway, it's not like I was looking for it. And I have no idea what I'd have done if I hadn't run into you." Steve put his empty glass down on a nearby table and crossed his arms.

Chin huffed slightly. "So you think I might know some gay bars, huh? Steve, I'm a cop. It's probably twice as hard for me to meet guys at the bars. And anyway… bars are not the place to meet people; not if you want more than a quick… fuck… and the possibility of catching something nasty."

"You think I don't know that?" Steve's expression darkened. "I don't _want_ that; I don't _need_ recommendations for bars from you."

"Then what do you need?"

"You."

Chin took a step backward in surprise and blinked several times. He truly hadn't seen that one coming, even though he knew he probably should have, considering their previous encounter. Steve was still looking at him with total determination and it took a few more seconds for Chin to find something to say that didn't sound like a complete rejection. Steve probably had no idea how much Chin wanted to say yes, despite what he was about to say.

"It isn't that I don't want to, Steve. You've got to know how attractive you are, and how easily I could go to bed with you. But one time only? I couldn't do that, and I'm not sure that's what you're asking. And if we got more involved? I work with your father and he trusts me. How's it going to look if he finds out?"

"He won't find out. I'm not about to tell him, and why would you?"

"Does he have any clue about you?" Chin paused, licking his lips. Was Steve sure he wanted this?

Steve looked back at him, eyes wide, incredulous. "Why would he? It's not like I'd tell him, and I'm not…" He spun away from Chin, running hands over his hair as he took a few paces towards the railing and then gripping it tightly, back to Chin. "You know what he's like. I couldn't say anything."

Chin followed Steve to the railing, putting his own glass on the table next to Steve's as he passed. He stood behind Steve, but didn't touch him as he spoke softly. "Maybe you should. Maybe he'd understand more than you think."

Steve turned his head to stare at Chin like he was crazy. He was beautiful, even with such a wild look, and Chin swallowed, aware of the tightness in his chest. He _had_ to say no to Steve, no matter how he felt.

"If you think that, why haven't you told him about _you_?"

"That's different," Chin said, retreating a couple of steps.

Steve turned properly and advanced on him, making Chin back up further. A wall was suddenly behind him and there was nowhere else to go. Steve's fury was evident and despite the notch of fear Chin was feeling, there was an undeniable twist of desire low in his gut.

"How is it different? Aside from being easier, if anything. Do you have any idea what it's like to have to live up to someone's reputation? _His_ reputation. There's no way he'd accept anything less than perfection from me."

"Steve." Chin kept his voice low and deliberate. He didn't flinch, despite the anger directed his way. "I know exactly what you mean, believe me. Which is why we shouldn't do anything to make him think-"

"You're scared, aren't you?" The anger was still there, but not as fierce, and there was a new kind of speculation. "You think that somehow he'll find out and then he won't want you as his partner. Aren't you worried about it already? About him finding out your dirty little secret?"

Chin's heart was thumping and he could feel the blood drain away from his face. "Are you threatening me? Is this some kind of _blackmail_? 'Sleep with me or I'll tell him you tried something'?" Steve blinked hard, twice, and took a step away. Chin took a deep breath. "You really think that'll work?"

"No!" Steve looked off to the side before focusing back on Chin, the hurt in his eyes making them glisten. "I would never do that."

"I'm sorry." Chin immediately felt contrite. It had dissipated Steve's anger, but it had been the wrong thing to say. He didn't really believe it anyway; if Steve was his father's son, he'd never contemplate such a thing. "I just... I can't, Steve. I _can't_. You have to understand that." He frowned, putting a hand on Steve's shoulder. "I'd feel... guilty for deceiving him, then guilty for not giving you what you deserve."

Chin thought for a moment that Steve was going to cry, and his heart tightened even more. But Steve blinked a few more times, swallowing hard, and nodded. "Okay. Okay." He dropped his eyes and backed away, turning to look blindly out over the darkening ocean and crossing his arms across his broad chest once more.

The sun was almost over the horizon now and the beauty of the moment would have caught Chin's eye another time. Now, all he could see was Steve's pain.

"I'm sorry, Steve."

Steve didn't answer, nor move. Chin quirked his lip painfully and sighed. He'd never wanted anyone quite as much, and it was taking all his willpower to say no, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

"I'll see you."

He turned and left before he couldn't stop himself from doing anything more foolish than he already had.

~//~


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: It's the morning after the night before
> 
> Then: Chin has an unexpected guest at home

_I don't care how much it costs, 'cause I don't count the loss  
As long as I can see your face again_

**~ NOW ~**

Chin came to slowly, squinting at the unfamiliar ceiling and turning his head before he remembered where he was. Steve was lying beside him in the bed, up on one elbow and smiling fondly down at him.

"Hey."

"Hey," Chin repeated, unable to stop his own smile. "How long have you been watching me?"

Steve's smile widened. He was more than beautiful in this light. "Not long enough."

Chin shifted uncomfortably, sliding backward to prop himself up on the pillows. His smile faltered as he remembered why this whole scenario wasn't such a good idea. "I should go."

Steve's face fell and Chin felt it like a punch to the gut. "Okay."

"You know why, Steve. I shouldn't have stayed. It's not gonna do either one of us any good if we fall into bed together every time one of us is feeling down; you know that."

Steve sat up, wrapping his arms loosely around his sheet-covered legs, and frowning deeply, but he didn't speak. Chin shook his head and moved to the edge of the bed. "I can't be that for you." He found his underwear next to the bed and pulled them on, then stood up to locate his jeans.

"What if that's not what I'm asking?"

Chin turned to look at Steve in surprise. He was wearing that determined look; the one that said he'd been thinking something through and had come to some kind of a decision.

"Steve…" Chin stepped into his pants and began to buckle them up, not looking at Steve. "We did this once, remember? It didn't turn out so good."

"That doesn't mean… look I'm not that scared kid any more." He shifted on the bed, his whole body looking more assured as he leaned forward to make his point. "My dad's gone and I don't need to hide who I am any more. Not from the people that matter, anyway."

He licked his lips, and Chin decided he wasn't quite as sure of that as he'd sounded. Chin raised a questioning eyebrow. "It wouldn't worry you if the team found out there was something between us?"

"Well…" Steve lifted his hands and dropped them again, eyes wandering for a second. "Okay, perhaps I'm not quite ready for that; for the people I work with to know, but… I'm not going to run from _you_ this time."

How Steve felt about Danny was a phantom that lurked at the edge of the room. Chin didn't want to let the phantom take shape any more than he imagined Steve did, but there was no way to avoid it.

"Look, Steve, I can't do it; can't be with you knowing I'm second-best and that if Danny so much as crooked a finger at you, you'd walk away all over again." He found his shirt and dug his arms into it, dragging it over his head.

"You want me to ask him? Is that it? Force things instead of-"

"I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do, Steve. I just… I need to know that anything that happens between you and me is not just because Danny got back with his wife."

There; he'd said it. Jealousy was not something Chin wanted to be comfortable with, but he knew he had a right to want more for himself.

Steve didn't answer, but he looked away, frown lines deepening on his forehead as he fought for composure. Chin hated having to see him like this; knew Steve hated it too, but he couldn't do any less right now.

Chin sighed and cast about for his shoes. Finding them, he sat down at the edge of the bed with his back to Steve and put them on. Once they were laced, he turned to study Steve, who was watching his own hands pick at the sheet distractedly.

"Just think about it, Steve; that's all I ask. Search inside yourself on this one, huh? I'm not saying no to you; I just want to avoid a whole lot of grief for both of us. If you still want to see me again once you've thought about it, we can talk."

Steve looked up as he spoke, eyes full of uncertainty. "Okay."

"I'll call you later."

Steve nodded, smiling tightly, then slid off the bed and padded over to the picture window. Chin's last sight of him was Steve's naked body leaning against the window-sill, his eyes staring sightlessly out over the bay. Chin swallowed deeply at the splendor of the picture, despite the inherent sadness in it, and hoped like hell it wasn't going to be the last he saw of the man other than at work.

 

**~ THEN ~**

The knock at his door startled Chin. It was late and he wasn't expecting anyone. At the door he stopped, cautious, and asked, "Who is it?"

"Steve McGarrett." The reply sounded confident enough, but Chin frowned at the lost look hidden under Steve's determined brow when he opened the door.

"How did you get my address?"

"I know your boss," Steve smirked half-heartedly and pushed past Chin. "Nice place."

"What are you doing here, Steve? I thought I made it clear-"

And those were the last words he spoke for some time. Steve pushed him hard against the door he'd just shut and took over his mouth with his own. Chin froze momentarily, but then his instincts cut in before he could push the kid away. He was some kisser, it had to be said. Chin wrapped a hand around Steve's ass, hissing into his mouth when Steve's hard cock pressed into his own instant erection.

They scrabbled with clothes wordlessly, and reaching the bedroom didn't have a hope in hell of happening as Steve slid down Chin's body and engulfed his cock in warm, moist suction. Steve turned his eyes upward as he slid his strong fingers around Chin's ass, encouraging him to pump into Steve's waiting mouth.

Chin's braincells had fled and there was no way to recover them until he'd spilled everything he had down Steve's throat. "Fuck…" His voice sounded hoarse and Chin could barely stay upright.

Steve didn't fight to keep him there either, just grinned and licked at his lips as Chin slid down the wall to meet him.

"That…" Chin didn't even know what to say. He just blinked in astonishment, then focused on the hand Steve had on himself now. "Let me."

Reaching for Steve's dick, he eyed him sideways when Steve just smirked harder and let go of his own cock in favour of Chin taking over.

"Closer," Chin whispered, back to the wall and unable to move more than the hand on Steve.

Steve obliged, shuffling forward on his knees and tilting his head back to expose his neck as he closed his eyes in pleasure. Chin found the right rhythm quicker than he had a right to, considering, and within seconds, Steve was groaning and bucking into his hand, his come landing warmly on Chin's t-shirt.

Chin pumped a couple more times and then dropped his hand, uncaring of the dampness dripping onto the carpet. Steve fell back onto his own legs and stared at him, breathing heavily.

"Shit." Chin's brain finally caught up to where they were and what they'd done. "You shouldn't have done that."

"You weren't exactly stopping me," Steve said, his satisfied look still firmly in place. Gracefully, he got to his feet, and reached down towards Chin.

Reluctantly, Chin took the outstretched hand and allowed Steve to pull him to his feet. "No, I wasn't, but I should have."

Steve backed him into the wall again and kissed him softly. His lips were so warm, so good; it was impossible not to want it. Chin couldn't manage to push Steve away; he was already responding far too strongly.

Eventually, air became necessary and Steve pulled back, smiling. Chin shook his head, but not in anger. "Come on; I need a beer, but I need to clean up first."

Steve let him move away from the wall and wordlessly trailed Chin to the shower. He didn't wait to be invited when Chin got in; merely followed and began scrubbing Chin's skin under the steady flow of hot water.

"You shouldn't have swallowed, anyway." Chin couldn't stop looking at Steve as he concentrated on cleaning Chin.

"You're good."

"You can't know that."

"You work with my dad and you're a cop. You probably get tested twice a year anyway, even though you haven't taken anyone home in years."

"How could you-"

"I did a background check. Besides, you're not the type to take unnecessary risks."

"Steve…" Chin huffed as Steve finally met his eyes.

"Well, it's true, isn't it?"

"Actually," Chin began indignantly, "It's only once a year, and it isn't _that_ many years. This is the first time I've been unsafe though. What about you?"

"I always use condoms with women; I've never fucked a guy – or been fucked by one, before you ask – and that's the only time I've ever given a guy a blowjob to the end."

Chin blinked at the sincerity in Steve's tone, but he quirked an eyebrow in disbelief.

"Hands only to finish, I swear, and it was only that one guy, though he blew me a couple of times." He waggled his head, hands still moving on Chin's skin, and slowly heading further south. To Chin's partial embarrassment and partial relief, his cock was lifting towards Steve's hands. Steve's dick didn't appear to have any trouble returning to hardness either. "He made me wear a condom though. Can't imagine what that tasted like." He screwed up his face in disgust. "Any more questions?"

Chin shook his head and grabbed the soap off Steve. They stayed in the shower until both erections had worn off again and Chin had tasted more of Steve than he had of another person in a longer time than he cared to admit.

Beer forgotten, they wound up in Chin's bed after they'd dried each other off.

"So I can stay?" Steve grinned, propped up on an elbow next to Chin.

"Like I'm gonna be able to stop you now."

"I'd go if you asked." Steve looked serious, as if he truly believed Chin was about to kick him out.

"I don't want you to."

"Good, because I don't want to leave."

"What, ever?" Chin asked, smiling back at him at last.

"Nope," Steve offered, crawling closer and kissing him.

~//~


	4. Part Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: Kono calls around to ask Chin to go surfing; she stays to talk instead
> 
> Then: Steve's spent the weekend with Chin and is about to leave on Sunday night

_I don't want to be the one to throw it over  
I don't want to be the one to feel ashamed_

**~ NOW ~**

"Hey cuz, wanna come surfing?"

Kono was at Chin's door, a lightweight blue dress over her bikini.

"Now?" Chin asked, looking over her shoulder.

"No, Monday at eight AM. Yes, now," she grinned, then seeing something in his eyes that he had hoped wasn't showing, frowned. "Something happen?"

"No. Well, not really."

"Can I come in? You need to talk?"

"Don't you wanna hit the waves?"

She shook her head, smiling sadly. "There will be other waves. What's up, cuz?"

"You don't want to get into my complications, Kono, I promise you."

"Hey." At the tone, he lifted his eyes to look into her sympathetic ones. "This about a guy?"

He frowned; he hadn't told her about himself; hadn't told anyone in the family, as it happened. "What do you mean?"

"Chin." Kono lifted an eyebrow as if to say 'I know you better than that'. "You know what I mean."

Backing up, he let her in and closed the door behind her. "Okay, so you know."

She headed towards the kitchen, smiling back at him. "It's no big deal, Chin. I've known you a long time; if I hadn't figured it out by now you should be surprised."

He nodded and followed her. It was true; they'd always been pretty close, and although he'd brought women to family gatherings on occasion, none had ever lasted long, nor had he made it a regular thing. He hadn't brought any guys either, but that didn't mean she couldn't see where his eyes were focused when they were out in public. He hoped like hell she didn't know about Steve though; he doubted Steve would be as easy about it.

"So, it is a guy?" she asked, undeterred, popping up from behind the fridge with a couple of beers in hand. She handed one to Chin and flopped onto the couch, looking up at him expectantly.

"Yeah." He twisted the top off his bottle as he sat in the chair opposite. He took a swig, considering how much to tell her. "Someone I knew a long time ago."

"But this isn't about a long time ago?" Kono drank too, waiting for him.

"No. He reappeared recently. Nothing happened though; not until last night. And I'm beginning to think that was pretty stupid now."

"You care about him?"

"Yeah; yeah, I do. Always have. Not sure he feels the same though. He left me back then; it hit me hard."

Kono's brows drew together tightly and she fiddled with her bottle before taking another sip.

"What?"

"Is he involved with someone else? I mean… what happened with you two before?"

"He's not… involved, exactly. Before, he left because he didn't want anyone to know; was worried about people finding out. I wasn't exactly easy either at the start, being a cop… and with the way our family is, but… I wanted to make a go of it. He… I guess he couldn't face the idea of anything getting out, so he took off; left Hawai'i. He was gone for years, and I got over it, eventually… or so I thought."

"So now he's come back and last night happened and…?"

"He's interested in someone else but that's not going anywhere that I can see. The other guy's straight and…" Chin paused, looked away, and then gulped from his bottle, feeling guilty for even telling her this much. Kono was way too observant.

"You told him how you feel though, right?"

"Yeah." Chin laughed mirthlessly. "Gave him an ultimatum, basically. Me or the other guy, even though there's nothing going on there; well, not much."

"He's slept with this other guy?" Kono looked skeptical and Chin felt his heartbeat increase. She didn't suspect, did she?

"No, I don't think so. They just… well… they get on pretty well. But he – the other guy – he's taken, anyway."

"Oh, okay, so what's the problem? Your guy not believe that?"

"No, he knows; he gets it. He just… it's more than just _interest_ in this other guy." Chin, feeling distinctly uncomfortable, got up and walked over to the window. He opened the door onto the lanai and took a deep breath.

"He's in love?" Kono sounded incredulous. "Why's he sleeping with you then? You have told him you won't be his… how should I put this? His fuck toy?"

"Kono!" Chin stared at her in shock.

"I'm sorry, cuz. That was crude of me. But you did tell him that, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I did. Well, not in those words, but yeah, essentially." Chin drained the rest of his bottle and stepped outside. He could hear Kono put her own bottle down and follow him.

"What did he say?" Her disembodied voice followed him into the yard as he checked the passionfruit vine he'd been nurturing for the last few years.

"He'll think it through, I guess. He didn't really say anything. We agreed to talk later."

"You need an answer before work on Monday, Chin."

He spun to look at her, unsure if she was telling him she knew exactly who he was talking about. He couldn't speak for a moment and just stared at her blankly.

"Oh, come on, cuz. We both know who you're talking about here. Work's gonna be unbearable if Steve doesn't let you know where you stand."

"Jesus," he whispered, turning back to run a hand down the wood of the vine. "I should have known you'd guess. Then you know who he's in love with too."

"Did you sleep with him because he was upset about Danny getting back with Rachel?"

"No!" Chin turned again, then seeing her expression, recanted. "Yes. He needed someone, Kono. You can't know what he's been through."

She shook her head sadly. "What about what you've been through? Doesn't he know how much you've been hurt?"

"He gets it, believe me. This isn't easy for either of us."

"Does Danny know any of it?"

"No, and you can't tell him." Chin knew his eyes had probably widened in fear at the idea, but there was no way he wanted Danny to have any idea what was going on, and he seriously doubted that Steve did either, despite what he'd suggested about asking Danny outright.

"I wasn't going to. But… Chin… if he's straight and he flat out tells Steve there's no chance…"

"It's not that simple, Kono and you know it." Chin shook his head. "You can't help who you fall in love with."

"More's the pity, cuz." She put a hand on his arm, studying his eyes with a sad but serious expression. "You want me to hang out with you the rest of today? We don't have to talk about it any more if you don't want to."

"No… look, Kono, I appreciate the offer and I'm grateful to you for being…"

"On your side?"

He smiled. "I know you're always on my side, cuz. I was going to say for being so understanding, and not making who I am into some big deal."

"It's _not_ a big deal, Chin. You're the same cousin I've known and loved for years. You're one of the good guys."

"Thanks, Kono." He hugged her close, incredibly relieved that at last there was someone he didn't have to hide from.

 

**~ THEN ~**

"You do know you'll have to go home at some point; right, Steve?" Chin said somewhat breathlessly as he attempted to extricate himself from Steve's embrace. It was late on Sunday and Steve had been there since Friday night.

"No, not going. Not ever," Steve replied petulantly as he grabbed Chin and kissed him silent. "Not until you agree to let me come back again, at least."

"Steve…" Chin didn't want to get serious either, but he had a feeling Jack would be out looking for his son if he didn't show his face at home soon. He knew Steve was living with his dad while he attended college, and Jack didn't strike him as the kind of father who completely ignored his son's presence – or lack thereof – no matter what Steve tried to say.

Steve drew back at last. "I know," he said softly, turning away and climbing off the bed. He found his shorts and slid them on, still looking away.

"I'm sorry, brah," Chin offered, sitting up and watching Steve pull his clothes on – practically the first time all weekend he'd had on much more than a smile. "I know reality seems like the last place you want to be right now, but…"

"I know," Steve looked up at last, lacing up his shoes. "I can come back though, right?"

"You know you can. I just…" Chin hesitated, trying to decide how to word what he wanted to say without Steve jumping on it before he'd finished.

"What?" Steve sat there, waiting, one foot still up on the chair where he'd tied his lace. He looked incredibly young and although Chin knew he was only a few years younger than him, it made him feel guilty for what they'd done.

"We need to be careful if you don't want your dad to know. Have you thought about telling him? Not about _us_ , if you're not ready; just about _you_. Like… to see how he takes that before he finds out anything about us."

Steve didn't answer in words; he shook his head vehemently and let his foot down, then stood up. "I better go. He'll be putting out an APB on me otherwise."

"You won't get in trouble for being out all weekend?"

"I'm over twenty-one, Chin. He worries, but not enough to stop me. He… he'll probably assume I've been with some girl. As if."

Chin got out of bed and flapped into some jeans and a t-shirt to accompany Steve to the front door. He stopped before opening it, though. "You have been with girls, Steve; maybe you'd be better off with them again. Instead of this." He gestured between them. "If your dad is so against it, maybe it's not the best thing we could be doing."

Steve shook his head, frowning deeply. "I don't want to be with girls, Chin. I want to be with _you._ If you think I didn't enjoy it or I'm not serious, you couldn't be more wrong. It's not just a phase for me; no more than it is for you."

"Okay. I just want you to be sure. I don't… I'd hate for this to come between you and Jack."

"Shouldn't you be more worried about your job?"

"That's not fair. You know I'm not going to tell him. And he wouldn't get rid of me for that. He would warn me off you though; I'm pretty sure about that."

"Yeah. That's exactly why I'm not telling him anything either. He still thinks I'm just a kid. I'm graduating this year, and after that… well, anyway, I'll show him I'm old enough to make my own choices."

Chin nodded. "I know you will, Steve."

Steve let a smile grace his handsome face again at last. Moving close to Chin, he ran a hand into Chin's hair and kissed him deeply. Chin pulled him nearer and returned the kiss eagerly. He'd never be able to stop this, he realized; not until Steve no longer wanted it.

"I want this," Steve said, as if reading his mind. "Whether you believe it or not. And I'm not going to let my dad stop me from having what I want."

Chin smiled carefully and nodded again. "Goodnight, Steve. Call me later in the week."

Steve looked ready to kiss him again, but Chin opened the door and gestured for him to go. Steve offered him one last vividly intense look and stepped out. Chin watched him climb into his truck and take off, but Steve didn't look back.

Shutting the door at last, Chin headed into the kitchen to clean up the mess he and Steve had made earlier. He had a feeling there were going to be more ups and downs before the year was out.

~//~


	5. Part Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: Chin can't sit at home and wait for Steve to let him know what he's decided
> 
> Then: Steve arriving at Chin's in the middle of the night with a split lip can't be a good thing

_You don't have to tell me when you're leaving  
If it's half past one, if it's maybe four_

**~ NOW ~**

Chin found himself unable to wait in the end. Although he'd tried to talk himself out of going over to Steve's several times, late that evening he found himself on the doorstep, knocking.

The door opened and Steve blinked at him several times before speaking. "Chin. Come in."

"I'm sorry, Steve. I… I meant to give you some space."

"It's okay. Beer?"

"No, not tonight, thanks." Chin wanted to keep a clear head. He had no intention of giving in to his baser needs because he was weakened by alcohol again.

"I was going to call you. Coffee then?" Steve was already in the kitchen, and Chin followed him and sat on a barstool, nodding at the offer and watching Steve fill the coffee-maker.

"I… I've been thinking about us all day," Steve said, his back to Chin as he reached for mugs.

Chin wasn't surprised, although he wasn't sure it was good news. "Come to any conclusions?"

Steve turned, putting the mugs down, and met Chin's eyes. "I… I can't make this into something simple, Chin. It _isn't_ simple. I want to… be with you, but…"

Chin waited, studying the features he admired about Steve and thinking on what qualities Steve had that had drawn him to him initially - beyond his physical attributes.

"You know I have feelings for Danny. Even if I… get over them; I'm still going to be working with him every day. How are we going to deal with that?"

Chin nodded to avoid answering. He was impressed that Steve had made it into their problem and not just his. It would affect all three of them, and Kono now too. He wondered for a moment if he should say something to Steve about his conversation with Kono earlier, but he decided not to in the end; he needed his own secrets as well. Besides which, Steve might not be comfortable with the fact that Kono knew so much about them just yet.

"I'm not sure I can cope with it," Steve said when Chin failed to respond. He busied himself with the coffee, and reached into the fridge for cream.

"Okay," Chin said, "Does that mean you still need time to think, or that you don't want to do it?" He didn't want to force an answer, but he couldn't help asking.

Steve poured the coffee, adding cream and sugar and handing Chin's over before speaking again. Chin waited, unwilling to fill the gap with any superfluous words.

"Would you like to sit somewhere more comfortable?" Steve asked, gesturing towards the living room.

"Steve, is there any point?"

Steve nodded, and walked through, leaving Chin to follow, confusion and fear filling him, despite the implication.

Offering the choice of seats to Chin first, Steve sat down right next to him on the couch, lifting his coffee and drinking before saying anything. Chin was surprised at the proximity and almost shifted away, but managed to hold still; sure that this was some kind of a test.

"I don't want you to give up on me," Steve said at last. "I need more time, that's all. I know this isn't easy on you, but I don't want to do anything I'm going to look back on and wonder 'what if?' about. You deserve more than that, and so do I."

"That's fair," Chin said and put down his coffee untouched.

Steve put his own cup down and turned to Chin before he could stand up, gripping his wrist in one hand and pulling him near with his other. The kiss was so unexpected, so not quite unwanted that Chin gave in to it in surprise. Steve gave him no room to refuse though, and Chin, knowing how unwise it was but too involved already to pull back, let it continue until it became something more. Even then, when his brain was operating on a lot less blood than it needed, a part of him still knew he was making a mistake in allowing this, but the part of him doing the majority of the thinking didn't care.

The sex this time was surprisingly slow and easy, like it had been the last time they'd been together all those years ago, but Chin refused to let what it could mean come to the forefront of his mind. Instead, he gave in to the sensuality of Steve's touch and to his own desire, not thinking beyond what each of them needed from moment to moment until both lay spent and satisfied on Steve's bed, breathing heavily.

Chin was exhausted, and Steve seemed no better off. Neither one moved for some time, and when Chin finally took a deep breath in preparation of leaving the bed, Steve put a hand out, stopping him.

"Stay."

The words were the same as the night before, but the situation had changed. All the same, Chin found himself unable to leave.

 

**~ THEN ~**

The knock at the door was harsh and loud, waking Chin from an uneasy sleep. It was almost four in the morning, he realized as he glanced at his alarm clock, dragging himself out of bed and pulling a t-shirt over his head as he stumbled down the hallway to the door.

"Who's there?" Chin touched the doorknob but didn't open it yet.

"S'me, Steve."

"Steve?" Chin slid the bolt back and cautiously opened the door, moving more quickly when he saw the split lip Steve sported. "What in hell?"

Slamming it shut, he followed Steve to the bedroom, where Steve kicked off his shoes and sat down heavily on the bed. He looked up at Chin, his eyes dark with pain, but didn't speak.

"What happened? What are you doing here at this time of the night?" Chin asked, reaching to touch his face carefully. "Let me get something for that."

"No, it's okay," Steve said hoarsely, taking hold of Chin's hand, but not shifting it from where it touched his hot stubble, and closing both eyes. "Can I stay here tonight?"

Chin didn't fight the hold on his hand, manoeuvring himself so he could sit down beside Steve. He spoke softly as Steve opened his eyes again. "Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"Can I stay here?" Steve said more forcefully, swallowing hard as he scowled into Chin's eyes.

"But-"

"I got in a fight. I'm okay. I just… I can't go home right now. Please, Chin? I don't want to talk about it."

Puzzled, but unable to refuse, Chin nodded. "Of course you can stay."

"Thank you."

With that, Steve wrapped himself around Chin and held on tight. Chin patted his back helplessly and hugged him back. "Hey, it's okay. Whatever happened; I got you."

Steve didn't make a sound, but Chin knew he was crying. The dampness on his neck was too much to be sweat. He knew how much Steve hated to be seen looking or acting weak, so he didn't acknowledge it.

"You want a shower?" Chin murmured, stroking Steve's hair.

Steve pulled back, nodding and blinking. "If that's okay."

"It's fine. You know where to find everything?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Steve hesitated, and for a moment Chin didn't get it. Steve always found it hard to ask for help, and Chin, unused to the notion, was still coming to terms with it. They'd been seeing each other only a few short weeks and this was only the second time Chin had seen Steve so upset.

The penny dropped at last, and Chin, knowing it had to be done in just the right way for Steve to accept it, offered, "You want me to wash your back?"

His relief was obvious, though it was only the one word. "Yeah."

Silently, they made their way into the bathroom and Chin started the water while Steve stripped off. He watched as Steve climbed in under the spray, checking for bruises as he pulled off his own shorts and t-shirt and followed him in. Chin picked up the soap and scrubbing brush and lathered it up, directing Steve to face the wall of the cubicle as he began to rub circles on Steve's neck and shoulders.

"God, that's good," Steve moaned, tipping his head forward and widening his stance. He was quiet again except for light moaning sounds every so often when Chin found a knot. "You must have had lessons; you know all the right places."

Chin smiled, though Steve couldn't see him. He'd was learning Steve's body – and his moods – well enough already in a very short time.

"It was my dad," Steve murmured quietly a few moments later. "That hit me, I mean."

Chin couldn't help himself; his hands stopped moving in shock. Jack didn't come across as the violent sort; with his own son least of all.

Steve looked back over his shoulder. "It's okay, Chin. He didn't mean it."

"What?" Chin forced Steve to turn and face him. "Don't make excuses. If he's doing this-"

"No, he's not." Steve was calmer now; his face serious but not nearly as upset as he'd been just a few minutes ago. "It was an accident, Chin. He was trying to break up the fight. I got a ride home from the bar near the university with these guys I know. One of the guys had just got his scholarship confirmed for next year and we were helping him celebrate. I hadn't even had much to drink. In the car, this other guy – who had been drinking a lot more than me – was giving me shit for not having a girlfriend; really pushing it, like he suspected something or was trying to get a rise out of me, you know?"

"Okay." Chin picked up where he'd left off with the soap, quietly washing Steve's chest and arms as he kept on talking.

"By the time we got to my place, he was in my face, making me really uncomfortable. I sure as hell wasn't giving him any ammunition though."

Steve was starting to get tense again, and Chin dropped the brush and gently turned him again, running his hands up and down his back. "You want to get out? I can give you a back rub in bed."

"Sure," Steve acquiesced, letting Chin manhandle him out of the shower and dry him off. He looked exhausted, Chin realized, and said nothing more until Chin had him lying on the bed and was astride him and beginning to rub lotion into his tight shoulders.

"Kyle followed me out of the car and a couple of the others got out too; trying to talk him out of doing anything stupid, I guess. Oh yeah, just there…" Steve's voice faded out for a second as Chin massaged a particularly bad knot. "Anyway, the asshole wasn't giving up; it was like he _knew_ and he was just trying to get me to admit it."

"He couldn't know, could he?" Chin wondered, stopping for a moment, and then rubbing softly again.

"I… I don't know. There was that guy I told you about, but I don't think Kyle knew about him."

"Maybe he's interested in you, Steve. It sounds like he was fishing."

Steve rolled, forcing Chin off to one side, screwing up his face incredulously. Chin lay down beside Steve, propping himself on one elbow to look at him and run a hand down his nearest arm.

"No. He was way too aggressive. Like he wanted to _hurt_ someone." Steve looked confused. "You think?"

"Steve, you're hot. This Kyle guy wouldn't want to make himself obvious in front of your straight friends, but it's possible."

"No," Steve snorted. "He took a punch at me. No-one does that…"

Chin shrugged. "So he tried to hit you? What happened then?"

"The other guys grabbed him and I stepped away. I might have suggested something about his parent's state of wedlock and his mother's virtue…" He looked sheepish now.

"Oh, Steve…"

"My dad came out just then… and Kyle lunged at me. Dad went to stop him, but the other guys were all in the way and he kinda slipped. He clocked me instead of grabbing Kyle. So, not that bad, you see?"

Steve scowled, touching his lip, and then tried to smile at Chin. "Dad told them to take Kyle home, and marched me inside. Started going off about how I should be careful about the people I hang out with now, like I'm still some goddamned kid! I tried to tell him most of them were cool but he… he just doesn't get it. I felt like telling him about you; about how I don't go out and get drunk like I used to… how much I feel like I've finally grown up…"

Steve's voice started to waiver and he swallowed hard before appearing to get a grip on his emotions. Chin moved closer, rubbing his hand along Steve's bare flank.

Steve shivered under the touch, and continued. "I knew he wouldn't like it. I could just imagine what he'd say. But I was damned if I was going to stay there and let him yell at me for being irresponsible. So I came over here. I'm sorry if I woke you."

"It's okay," Chin told him, kissing him. There was little he could say to reassure him any further – to make it better – but he could show him.

~//~


	6. Part Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: Chin has just about given up on Steve wanting their relationship to develop
> 
> Then: Steve's close to graduating and he has some unexpected news for Chin

_After all this time, well I thought that you were mine  
I just want to be the one who would share this dream_

**~ NOW ~**

Chin frowned at the knock at his door. It was late Sunday afternoon and he hadn't been expecting anyone, despite how he'd left things with Steve. He'd crept out of Steve's bed early, barely disturbing him as he left. Assuming it was Kono checking up on him, he started speaking as he opened it. "Kono, I do not need-"

But it was Steve, who lifted his eyes as Chin ground to a halt, and then gave him the lop-sided smile that almost always did funny things to Chin's equilibrium. The shock of seeing him there only added to his disconcertment and Chin had to grip the doorframe to stop his knees buckling.

"You okay, brah?" Steve asked, his face becoming concerned as he took a step forward.

"I'm fine. Just... wasn't expecting you."

"I figured."

"Uh... come in." Chin studied Steve carefully, suspicious of his apparent good cheer, although he could see an underlying worry in his eyes.

Shutting the door behind him, he gestured to the living room. "Have a seat." He desperately wanted to ask what conclusions Steve had come to, but he couldn't just yet. "Can I get you a drink?"

"No, I'm good, thanks." Steve took a chair this time, and left the couch to Chin.

Settling into it as best he could, Chin tried not to look as worried as he felt.

"You told Kono." Steve's stare was not quite angry.

Chin shook his head at the accusation. "I told her some, but not who. She guessed. Don't worry, Steve. She won't tell anyone."

"I wasn't worried. She paid me a visit this afternoon; tried to make me see sense." Steve looked straight at Chin in serious business mode, like he was waiting for some answers.

"I didn't ask her to do that. If I'd known she was going to do it, I'd have talked her out of it."

A muscle twitched in Steve's face and he almost smiled again. Looking away, he licked his lips then gazed back at Chin, his expression more friendly. "I didn't think you'd sent her. It's okay. She made me look at things a little differently. What she said made sense."

"What did she say?" Chin was really worried now.

"Just that..." He allowed a half-laugh this time. "She'd seriously kick my ass if I hurt you again."

"She could do it too," Chin agreed, letting his own smile surface.

"I believe it." Steve's grin grew for a moment; then he got serious again. "Listen, I didn't mean to draw this out so much."

"I know that. You… you have a lot to consider."

"You were right about Danny. It's stupid to think he's gonna suddenly want a relationship with me; even if he and Rachel don't go anywhere. I… I've been through this before and I know it's pointless, so I don't even know why I didn't get it sooner."

Steve's voice was quiet and he kept his eyes downcast while he spoke. Chin was afraid to believe what he wanted so badly to happen. Knowing how hard this had to be for Steve, he kept quiet, letting him work through what he needed to say. Chin wondered if he'd practiced it on the way over.

"This buddy of mine in the SEALs… he was a good friend; someone I respected and trusted, and we could shoot the breeze; all that." Steve managed to look up; Chin smiled in encouragement, and he went on without looking away. "But I read all the signs wrong. When I… well, let's just say it wasn't looking pretty. I managed to make him think it was all one big joke; otherwise I'm not sure I'd have stayed in the Navy. As it was, I had to be pretty careful after that. Damn near broke me, Chin. And here I am all over again; acting like Danny could want the same thing. I should have got it by now, right? He isn't the least bit interested; never has been."

"Hey…" Chin tried when Steve stopped, but further words stuck. He couldn't make himself offer anything to ease Steve's apparent pain.

"It's okay," Steve went on, frowning. "What I'm dealing with is nowhere near what you've probably been going through; what _I_ put you through." He met Chin's eyes and shifted forward in his seat. Drawing a deep breath, he hesitated a moment before speaking further, something deep in his eyes that Chin couldn't look away from. "I know I hurt you back then, and I've probably only caused you more pain since we met up again. I'm such a coward. I'm sorry, Chin; I really am."

Chin stood up, smiling tightly, and headed for the kitchen. "I need a beer. You sure you don't want one?" He asked over his shoulder. He was absolutely sure Steve was about to say he couldn't do it; couldn't even begin to consider picking up where they'd left off. Despite how much better off they'd probably both be if it didn't go any further, Chin still wanted it as powerfully as he'd always done.

Steve stood up behind him, but Chin didn't look at him as he reached into the fridge for a bottle. He twisted the lid off one and sucked down half the contents before grabbing another to offer to Steve. Clenching both bottles tightly to stop himself from trembling, he turned back towards Steve.

"I know this is hard," Steve said, taking the bottle Chin held out to him now, "and you deserve something better, but I'm begging you, Chin. Give me a chance?"

Chin's eyes flicked upwards in shock; he'd been so prepared for rejection. "You wanna go through with it?"

Steve misunderstood, although it took Chin a moment to realize. Putting down the bottle he was holding, Steve rubbed a hand through his hair and covered his mouth, turning his dampening eyes away and pacing towards the front door. "I get it. I'm so sorry."

Catching onto Steve's assumption at last, Chin abandoned his own bottle on the nearest surface and followed Steve. Grabbing him by the arm, he tried to turn him. Steve resisted, although he didn't touch the door handle he'd been reaching for.

"Steve. Please?" Chin tugged his arm once more, not forcefully enough to shift him, but in suggestion of him giving in and turning back.

"I should just go," Steve insisted, and Chin could hear the pain in his voice. "What's the point of dragging it out? It's going to be hard enough at work from now on without…"

"Steve. You don't get it. I'm not saying no." He kept his hand on Steve's arm.

Slowly, the tension went out of Steve and he swiveled his head, skepticism in his eyes until he caught sight of Chin's expression. "You… you're not?"

"No, you idiot, I'm not." Chin grinned, blinking back tears of his own as Steve completed his about-turn and quirked a brow at him. "Come here."

It didn't take a second invitation; Steve pulled him close, kissing his lips and gripping Chin's head firmly as he shook his own and tried not to cry. He was evidently beyond words, and Chin half-laughed, half-cried himself as they wrapped arms around one another and lost themselves in a deep kiss.

 

**~ THEN ~**

"I've been thinking about what I'm going to do when I graduate."

"Oh yeah?" Chin rolled onto his side on the bed next to Steve, laying a hand on his chest and smiling down at him.

Steve met his eyes, the serious expression in them making Chin frown.

It was Sunday night and Steve would be heading home soon. They'd spent most of the weekend as they often did; mooching about Chin's place quietly, watching sports and movies; enjoying the sun and surf in the days and each other's bodies at night.

"Dad's been pushing for me to make some kind of decision. He… he's been asking about who I'm seeing again too." Steve looked away, reaching for Chin's hand and caressing it against his chest.

"What are you trying to tell me, Steve?" Chin asked softly, gazing at their hands. "You waited all weekend; it can't be good news."

"I'm not ready for this," Steve admitted, turning his eyes back to Chin at last. "It's not that I don't… care. It's just… I can't even imagine what he'd say if he knew. I can't avoid answering forever."

Chin nodded, moving his fingers in small circles on Steve's body. "I know. I've thought about it too. Sometimes… sometimes I think I should tell him."

Steve's eyes widened, and he let go of Chin's hand and sat up. "You wouldn't."

"Would it really be so bad, Steve?" Chin shifted upright too, sliding to the edge of the bed and putting his feet on the floor.

"Promise me you won't say anything!" Chin looked back over his shoulder at the menacing look being directed his way. "You can't! He's my dad! I should know whether he can take it or not, and I'm telling you, he won't like it."

"Okay, okay!" Chin moved back towards Steve and kissed him. Steve didn't relax, but he allowed the kiss. "He's _your_ dad. I won't tell him."

"I've…" Steve dropped his eyes, his frown changing into something Chin couldn't read from this angle. "I've filled in all the forms and… as long as everything goes the way it should, I'll be…"

"What forms? Steve?"

"I'm joining the Navy."

"What?" It was the first Chin had heard of Steve being interested in such a thing.

Steve slid off the bed and found his shorts, sliding into them and grabbing his jeans. "I'll be leaving a couple of weeks after graduation. Induction starts almost straight away and…" His voice caught as he looked back at Chin.

Chin, too stunned to even comment, just looked at him for a moment.

"You knew it couldn't last. I just… I have to get my life in order, Chin. Show my dad I'm responsible enough to do something real. Something worthwhile."

"Couldn't last?" Chin got out with some difficulty. "What are you saying?"

"I never meant for this to…" Steve stopped again, like he'd practiced all this but was having trouble making the words believable enough. "Chin, I'm really sorry. I won't be back for a while."

"You're leaving me," Chin said flatly, turning away and reaching for his own pants.

"I've thought about it long and hard, believe me. You weren't even interested at first, remember? And… I'm not making your life any easier by hanging around. What am I supposed to do if I stay here? Become your kept boy? Work as a waiter?"

"No, of course not," Chin said, pulling his pants on and reaching for a t-shirt. "But there's plenty of things you could do."

Steve laughed, a rough edge to it. "Like what, Chin? Become a cop? Like my dad? I don't think so."

"You think the Navy's going to be any easier? Don't ask; don't tell?"

"There won't be anything to tell if I'm not seeing anyone." Steve's face was like a mask now and Chin wondered if he'd ever really known him. "It's better this way and you know it."

Chin shook his head and swallowed hard, feeling desperate. "We don't have to end it."

"Yeah, we do." Steve's voice was soft, but his eyes were steely. "I've made up my mind, Chin. I have to do this. On my own. You… you'll be glad in the end."

"I don't think…"

But Steve was already heading out the bedroom door. Chin followed him to the living room.

"I think I have everything," Steve said, not looking at Chin as he shouldered his duffel bag.

"Steve…" Chin put a hand on his arm.

Straightening up, Steve looked at Chin's hand on him and then at Chin's face. There was no discernable feeling that Chin could see in those incredibly beautiful and usually emotion-filled eyes. "Goodbye, Chin. I don't regret what we had, but… you'll see it's better in the long run if we're not together any more."

There was hardly any point in trying to stop Steve when he was determined about something; Chin had already learned that. A part of him hoped that by not fighting it, Steve would change his mind all on his own.

"Good luck, then," was all he offered as Steve opened the door.

"Thanks. Goodbye, Chin."

Chin watched Steve walk to his truck and get in, his bearing as stiff as if he'd been through the Navy training already. He didn't once glance in Chin's direction as he started up the truck and backed out of the drive, and Chin was pretty sure he didn't look back.

He'd lost the ability to tell by then as his own eyes blurred with tears.

~//~


	7. Part Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: Things have been going well with Steve, and then he breaks into the Governor's and gets arrested for her murder. Chin concentrates on Kono's issues when Steve won't see him and she worries about his relationship with Steve surviving the changes
> 
> Then: Chin can't stop himself from attending Steve's graduation from college; he runs into someone Steve knows and learns a few things

_It makes no difference where you think you're going  
But please remember not to slam the door_

**~ NOW ~**

Things were going all right with Chin and Steve, even at work. Neither said anything to anyone and both made a conscious effort to retain the same behavior as before on the job. Of course Kono had slanted Chin a knowing look that first day back in the office and nodded encouragingly, but no one else could have a clue.

Danny was too pre-occupied with his own reunion to notice anything as far as Chin could tell, and he knew that helped make Steve relax about things - although Steve had other things to think about with the envelopes that kept appearing every Wednesday.

Breaking into the governor's residence and discovering the evidence against her had made Steve more determined than ever to dig into Wo Fat's affairs, and although both Danny and Chin had warned him continually about taking things into his own hands, Steve had never been one to listen to reason; they both knew that well enough.

Chin kicked himself when the shit hit the fan as the planted evidence of Steve being in Laura Hills' apartment appeared. He should have done something – what exactly, he wasn't sure, but _something_ – before Steve ran.

Arresting Steve was one of the worst feelings Chin had ever had, but he couldn't see what other choice there was. Danny gave him hell at their first meeting afterward, but that was only to be expected. He felt like the worst kind of bastard already though, and Danny really wasn't helping.

"I didn't have a choice, Danny! He was standing over her body with a gun. Half of HPD was right there behind me. What could I do?"

"You didn't have to go back to them. You gave up on Five-0 without even blinking."

"There is no Five-0 any more, Danny! With the governor gone and Steve in jail, you think I can help him from the streets? I have much more chance of freeing him from inside the force than out there and you know it."

Danny gave up the argument at that point and walked away. It wasn't like him, and Chin couldn't help his own guilt, but he sure as hell didn't have the energy to help Danny though any of his issues either.

The worst thing was that Steve didn't want Chin to visit him in prison. Chin had tried, of course, but Steve wouldn't come to the party; he'd refused every attempt at visits that he made. It didn't make him feel any better that Danny had been to see him there, and Steve hadn't fought that for a second.

Had he been able to do something more, he would have, but he didn't know what it was. Chin decided to focus on Kono's problems to take his mind off it; she had enough to deal with anyway.

"Hey cuz," he offered, smiling weakly as she opened her door to his knock. "I bought pizza."

"Thanks, Chin. Come on in." She sighed as she headed for the kitchen and he followed her. "I have beer."

"Where are you at? IA giving you any more grief since we spoke last?"

"Nothing new. But I'm not holding my breath on getting out of this any time soon."

"Hey…" He dumped the pizza on the table and embraced her. "We'll figure something out, cuz."

"I can't see what," she replied, holding onto him tightly.

"Ssh. I don't know either right now, but I'm working on it."

She let him go and smiled again, turning to get the beer out of the fridge. "I know, cuz. Anyway, I didn't invite you round to talk about that."

"No?" Chin frowned and sat down at the table as she handed him a plate and a bottle of beer.

"You and Steve."

"No, no!" He put down the plate and took a gulp of beer. "You do not need to get involved with that again. He won't see me and I understand exactly why. Once we get his name cleared, I'll sort things out between us, okay?"

"You don't want him thinking-"

"Kono, there is absolutely no way Steve is going to forgive me for arresting him like that; not right now. Besides, even if he did, he hardly wants me showing up at the prison right now. Can you imagine how awful that would be for him? I mean, it's not exactly an easy scene for me either, but what would our visit be like? Either we don't touch and that kills both of us, or we do and everyone around gives him hell for it."

"I suppose," Kono offered thoughtfully, picking up a slice of pizza and chewing it slowly.

Chin took a slice too and bit into it. "We'll just concentrate on getting him out, okay?"

"You think you guys will be okay? I mean, after that?" She looked genuinely concerned at the idea that their reunion wouldn't go well.

For once Chin didn't know how to remain optimistic, not even about getting Steve out. "I don't know."

 

**~ THEN ~**

Chin tried to remain well out of sight, sure Steve wouldn't welcome him at his graduation, but there was no way he was going to miss it. He hadn't even told Steve's father he was going to be there, but he couldn't let Jack have a clue what had had been going on between him and Steve.

Jack looked incredibly proud as he watched his son up on stage, and Chin couldn't help his own pride, nor the look he was sure was full of longing that he directed at Steve. Chin ducked his head as he saw Jack turn in his direction. Thank God there were plenty of dark-haired people in the crowd; he'd hardly notice one more if he couldn't see Chin's face.

Turning back towards the main stage as Steve left it, Chin frowned as he saw Steve's eyes turn in his direction. Unerringly, Steve had spotted him in the crowd, even though he'd tried to duck again. The look in those incredible eyes was tinged with a touch of regret for just a moment, before Jack reached his son's side and Steve smiled at his father, turning away from Chin.

Chin swallowed with difficulty and slid out of the row he'd thought he'd hidden at the end of, making his way past the crowds now mingling in the aisles and across the lawn of the university. He'd just reached his bike when someone called his name.

Turning to see who it could be, Chin didn't recognize the young Asian guy who smiled uneasily in his direction and started towards him.

"Do I know you?" Chin asked, puzzled.

"No," the man answered, studying Chin like he was trying to memorize his face. "But I know you. Steve's mentioned you. I'm Lee. Lee Kinawa."

Chin still didn't understand Lee's interest in him, and he frowned although he shook the outstretched hand.

"I know how you must be feeling. I can't believe he's leaving either."

"I'm sorry," Chin apologized, "Should I understand what this is about?"

"Steve is a friend. A _close_ friend." The inflection on the word gave Chin all the clue he needed.

"I didn't think you two were seeing each other any more," Chin said cautiously.

"We're in the same psych class," Lee shrugged. "We talk sometimes. But I'm seeing someone else now. He told me he-"

"He told you about me? I find that hard to believe."

"Look, Chin, I don't mean to cause you any harm. I knew from the start that he was hung up on someone else. That's part of why I didn't wait for him to make up his mind about what we did."

"Hung up…? I don't understand."

"You really don't, do you? Steve talked about you sometimes, even before he and I… well, you know."

"I didn't think he knew much about me… apart from that I work with his dad. What are you saying?"

"He went out of his way to run into you this year. It finally paid off, from what I understand. But he's never going to be open about that, or about your relationship. I saw that from the start, which added to why I knew it wouldn't work between him and me. I'm happy with who I am and I'm not about to hide it. Anyway, he told me you met a few years ago at some party. Recently, he admitted he knew then what he wanted, but until he met me he hadn't really come to terms with it."

"You're saying… he purposely got me to stop him for speeding?"

"I don't know; maybe, but… that's not such a big deal now, is it? I mean, you've been-"

"Been is the operative word, Lee. It's over."

"Seriously?" Lee looked surprised. "I thought… you were just avoiding his dad."

"He dumped me for the Navy."

Lee stroked his hair and turned away for a moment. Turning back, he shook his head. "I can't believe it. He never said. I actually thought…"

"A long-distance relationship wouldn't work, anyway. It's for the best."

"But he loves you. Don't you…"Lee hesitated.

He seemed to believe what he was saying, and Chin found his heart was thumping in response to the words. He and Steve had never exchanged such assurances.

"Don't you love him?" Lee finally finished the sentence, his expression curious.

"I'm not about to get into that with you." Chin looked around pointedly; people were everywhere, some of them closer to where they stood than he was comfortable having such a conversation.

Lee's friendly face turned serious. "Fair enough. But if you do, perhaps you should think about what you're letting go. It's not that often you meet someone who feels the same way as you do. It's hard enough for guys like us to do it once in a lifetime. Twice?" He shook his head. "I wouldn't hold out hopes."

Chin nodded but didn't say anything in reply. Instead, he simply said, "It was nice to meet you, Lee. Good luck with everything."

Lee murmured something similar as he turned away, and Chin climbed onto his bike. No matter how true Lee's words were, there wasn't any point in trying to see Steve again; he was committed to the Navy now and the chances of them making anything work while he was in service were too slim to attempt. Steve had made it clear enough that he wasn't prepared to try, anyway.

Chin started up the bike and nosed it into the already building traffic.

~//~


	8. Part Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now: Steve's out of prison, but Chin isn't sure whether he's going to want to take up where they left off.

_All our past times should be forgotten  
All our past times should be erased_

**~ NOW ~**

"Thank you."

Steve's heartfelt words once everything was over and he was cleared sent a warm glow right through Chin. He could tell that the man meant it sincerely, and his eyes held a promise of something Chin hoped he was reading right. Chin murmured something in return and looked away. It was a little too damned much to deal with in the office in front of everyone else, and not getting too emotional in front of people was something he and Steve had in common. Lord knows Steve found it hard enough in private, Chin thought to himself as he moved away, unable to keep his eyes off Steve as the man went into Danny's office.

Chin tried not to pay too much attention to what he could see through the glass, but he couldn't help his attention straying back there a few times. Having Five-0 operational and Steve back was more than he could have hoped for after his own reinstatement with HPD, and Chin was finding it hard to believe. Watching Steve was one way to reassure himself it was real. He tried not to think about what Steve and Danny were discussing.

It was some time later when he got the chance to speak to Steve alone, and they kept it brief. Steve looked strained and Chin could tell the last thing he'd want was for the others to know what had been going on between them. He wasn't sure he was comfortable with all of them knowing yet either. Much as he enjoyed working with the team, he valued his privacy and he'd suffered enough in the past over the whole money thing.

While what he had with Steve wasn't a bad thing, it wasn't something the police culture welcomed easily, and Chin wasn't ready for any more crap just yet. He knew the Navy was no better, despite the recent repeal of DADT, and knowing how Steve felt about Danny... well, that was never going to be an easy situation, so it was far too soon for him to be talking about it either.

"So... later?" Steve asked, his tone low as he stood next to Chin at the water cooler, calmly filling a paper cup.

Chin sipped from his own cup, nodding slightly as he lowered it. "Yours or mine?"

Steve frowned, and then lifted his cup to his lips. "Yours."

Crumpling his empty cup, Chin nodded again and wandered back to the computer before anyone could start to get suspicious about the interaction.

~//~

Chin was warming leftovers in the microwave when the doorbell rang. It had gotten later than he'd expected to hear from Steve and hunger had finally broken through his stoic resolve on how things would go when they finally had a chance to be alone together. Chin abandoned the food and went to answer the door.

Steve looked serious, and although Chin believed his earlier thanks had been genuine, he still couldn't accept that they'd fall back into the relationship they'd only just rekindled as easy as all that.

"Hey," Steve offered, holding out a bag of something. "I was going to come earlier, but when I got home... I just..." He shrugged as Chin took the bag and checked inside it.

"You needed some time?" Chin nodded his understanding and waved Steve in. "I've got pizza warming up - not the same as fresh, but it's something. These'll make a good dessert."

"Any pizza's better than no pizza." Steve's smile wasn't quite at its usual intensity, but it was heading in the right direction.

"You want beer with it?" Chin called from the kitchen as Steve settled on the couch.

"Yeah. What's pizza without beer?"

Chin grinned and dug out a couple of bottles, manoeuvring the hot pizza out of the microwave and wincing as he carried everything through to dump on the coffee table.

Steve took the beer he was handed and reached for a slice of the limp pizza.

"I didn't want to see you while I was inside because-"

Chin cut him off, not sure he wanted to hear the excuse. "You don't have to say anything. I get it completely."

"I don't think you do."

"Believe me, Steve, I get it."

"Chin… at first I was angry and… well, I wasn’t completely with it after getting stunned. I couldn’t understand how you, of all people, could arrest me so quickly and without even a single question asked. Danny… Danny was there, telling me he’d get me out…" Steve paused, shaking his head and looking down at the half-eaten pizza in his hand. "But the more I thought about it, the more I realised how little choice you had."

Chin nodded, chewing. If he understood, why had he refused the visits after that? It was better to let Steve get it out in the end; to let him explain in his own words. Chin was nothing if not a patient man.

Steve looked up again, meeting Chin’s eyes with what looked like regret. "I couldn’t have seen you in there. You can’t show weakness there of all places, and I wasn’t sure I could… see you there without wanting to touch you."

His eyes swivelled away again and there was a slight blush across his cheeks. That was a lot for Steve to admit, and it made sense. Chin had felt the same; he knew it would have been hard to keep things on an even keel, even separated by a glass partition.

"Okay," was all he said in the end, and he knew it was enough. It took a few moments before Steve looked back at him and Chin was aware he was trying very carefully to keep himself composed. He would have liked to tell Steve he didn’t need to pretend around him, but he was fairly certain Steve would deny that he was, so he kept his mouth shut.

They ate in silence for a while. It wasn’t the awkward sort of silence it could have been, but it was less relaxed than Chin would have liked. Steve reached for the bag of malasadas and drew one out.

"I’m sorry."

Chin looked at him, questioning him with his eyes.

"I know you must have wondered if I had given up on you. I didn’t." The worry in Steve’s expression was evident. "I was hoping…"

"I didn’t give up on you either; you have to know that." Every nerve in Chin’s body tingled, wondering where Steve was going with this.

"I do. The thing is… you have every right to just… forget what we started. I mean, you don’t need this… all my baggage."

"Steve, I’m not likely to forget it. Look, I know all this is no easier for you than for me, but… I want you to know I’m here for you. I’m not…" Chin stopped, unsure.

Steve put the half-eaten malasada down and wiped his hands nervously. "It’s okay. I understand. Completely."

"No-"

"I do, honestly. I should have known it was too much to ask."

"Too much? Steve, I’d like to hope…" They both stood up, and Chin frowned at the fear in Steve’s eyes. The penny finally dropped. "I don’t want you to go."

"You don’t? I mean…"

"Come here." Chin stepped away from the table and in front of Steve. He didn’t want this; the uncertainty, the confusion between them. He just wanted Steve, and had to believe that Steve wanted him too. He put a hand up to Steve’s jaw. "Come to bed?"

Steve searched his eyes, and obviously finding what he needed, the worry in his own dispersed. He nodded, and leaned forward to kiss Chin.

Kissing Steve was always good, but this one seemed especially sweet to Chin. They moved closer, arms going around each other as the kiss deepened. He’d missed this like nothing else, and a warmth spread through him as they continued.

He had to pull away before he passed out in the end. "You have no idea how much I've missed that; missed you."

Steve huffed a tiny laugh. "I thought… I thought you’d hate me; that you’d want me to get lost."

Chin ran his hands over Steve’s back, smiling at the idea. "Funny that; I was thinking the same thing."

"Oh Jesus, no, Chin." Steve kissed him again, and wound his hands in Chin’s hair. "Never. You have to believe that."

"So you’re staying?"

"Just try and kick me out." Steve actually looked worried he might for a moment and Chin was reminded of another time, long ago.

"Come on." Chin released one arm from around Steve and circled the other around his waist, leading him towards the bedroom. Steve’s lopsided smile was back at last, and it was impossible to do anything but look at each other as they made their way to the bed.

Once there, Chin felt a kind of nervousness he hadn't felt in a long time, but Steve had no such qualms. He studied Chin quietly as they removed each other's clothing, his hands caressing every inch of skin as it was revealed. Chin returned the touch equally as reverently, a stab of guilt hitting him as he found the bandage where the stab wound was. Steve shook his head, and Chin nodded. There was no need for words, and all communication passed by way of looks and touches until they were finally naked on the bed.

Steve rolled Chin onto his back and leaned into him to offer his lips again. They kept it unhurried and easy, building up slowly, hands moving gently over each other until Chin could barely stand the slow tease.

"I need you," he murmured against Steve's clavicle, mouthing the heated skin as Steve whispered back to him.

"I thought of you every night when I was alone in there."

"You don't have to be alone now." It would have sounded corny in a movie, but it sounded different now, and as Chin pushed at Steve, desperate, he smiled at the grin on Steve's face.

"Same place?" Steve asked, reaching for the drawer as Chin nodded. He drew out what they needed and then kissed Chin again. "Okay this way?"

"Whatever you need."

Steve nodded, and kissed down Chin's neck, hands stroking along his flanks in the most delicious way. He pushed backward, flicking his eyes up to meet Chin's from under those incredibly long lashes as he picked up the tube of lube and flicked it open. Chin watched him squeeze out a generous amount and circle his fingers, warming the liquid.

Steve smiled at him and tilted his head to one side as he slid slippery fingers between Chin's legs.

Chin gasped; it still wasn't all that warm. Steve's smile widened and then the tip of a finger was pressing into Chin's asshole. With his other hand, Steve encircled Chin's cock, stroking gently as his finger wormed its way gently inside him. Slowly, Steve worked him open, adding a digit and then another, and curling them to make Chin buck as he found his prostate.

Steve's eyes lit up as his smile grew. "You're amazing."

"No…" Chin was breathless with need and it showed. "You're… the one… who's… amazing." He gasped as Steve brushed over the sensitive nerve endings again, and pushed himself further onto the man's digits. "Oh Christ… _please_!"

Steve slipped the fingers out slowly, shifting closer as Chin clawed the sheets under him.

"Help me with this?" he muttered, twirling the condom packet in his fingers.

"Fuck me," Chin growled, grabbing the packet roughly and tearing into it, almost dropping it in his haste to get it on Steve's hot cock.

Steve drew a breath in sharply, and Chin could tell he was already close. Amazing, considering he hadn't even touched Steve's dick. But then, he'd been in prison a while; maybe he had kept it all in for the whole time. Chin barely had time to think about how hard it must be to masturbate with so many other men around.

As soon as Chin's fingers left him, Steve was shifting again, dragging Chin towards him in his haste to bury himself inside. Chin took a deep breath, trying hard to relax as Steve pushed inside him faster than he could remember him ever doing. Normally he was considerate; not expecting his own pleasure to be forthcoming until he was sure Chin was comfortable, but his urgent need this time round seemed to override any concern he would normally show his partner.

Chin bit his lip, not wanting to stop him despite the burn. He probably deserved it anyway. Steve altered his angle, hitting Chin's prostate unexpectedly, forcing a throaty growl from Chin's mouth.

"Oh God…" Steve let out, curling over him and pumping harder.

Chin's cock bumped into Steve's firm stomach, and he grabbed the man's shoulders, pulling him near enough to kiss brusquely. Steve bit at his lip, hips still pistoning, and then plunged his tongue inside Chin's mouth. The taste of him drove Chin wild, and he could feel his climax nearing with every thrust Steve made against his prostate.

"Steve…" Chin let out as their lips parted and his orgasm hit with a shock.

Groaning as the hot come hit his belly, Steve pumped harder a few more times, his own climax following as Chin's muscles tightened around his cock.

"Jesus, God," Steve breathed out and collapsed down on Chin, licking softly at a rivulet of sweat running down his neck. "You are definitely amazing."

Chin smiled against Steve's short hair, too worn out to manage any denial this time. He let out a long, slow breath, running his hands up and down the muscles in Steve's arms.

"Brah… you must have worked out even more in prison. I'm sure these are bigger than they were," he finally managed as Steve drew back and grinned in that lopsided way he had.

"Not much else to do."

"I'm sorry," Chin told him again, his smile fading.

Steve pulled away properly, his flaccid dick slipping out of Chin's body as he turned away and disposed of the condom. "You don't have to be sorry; we've been through this. It was okay; I was never in any danger." He looked back over his shoulder at Chin, his eyes dark.

"Yeah, that's why you got stabbed by Hess." Chin sat up, offering Steve a worried look. "Maybe we shouldn't have done that so soon. Is it okay?" He touched the bandage on Steve's abdomen.

"It's fine. Hess only did it to get me out of there; you know that."

"But you’re sure you're okay?"

Steve offered him another smile, his eyes damp. "I am now. And no matter what happens from here on in, I promise I'm not taking this for granted. No more crap, Chin. I'm in it for the long haul, if you'll have me."

Chin shook his head softly. Steve still didn't get it, after everything they'd been through. "Of course I'll have you, brah. Don't ever doubt it again, huh?"

Steve shifted nearer, offering Chin a gentle kiss. "I love you."

Chin's heart practically stopped for a second. He'd never expected to hear that from Steve's lips, despite what the man had already promised. Kissing him back just as softly, Chin replied with the words he'd wanted to say for a very long time, but had never dared. "I love you too."

The emotion that ran across Steve's face was tightly reined in and although Chin had seen that vulnerable edge to him once or twice before, he wasn't sure this was quite the same.

"I want to tell the others."

Chin's eyebrows went up in amazement. "You sure? Because we don't have to if you're not ready."

"What's the point in hiding it? I finally know what I want, and knowing you… knowing you feel the same…" Steve stopped, his voice catching.

"Hey…" Chin lifted Steve's head with a hand under his jaw. "It's okay to let it out, you know? Of all people, I'm the last one you should hold back with. Is this something to do with how you feel about Danny?"

Steve squeezed his eyes shut tight for a second, then sniffed, looking straight into Chin's eyes. "Danny told me today that Rachel's baby is Stan's and that she's going back to the guy. I thought… I thought for one second there that maybe I still had a chance. Crazy, huh?"

"No, not crazy, Steve. I get it." Chin's heart dropped, sure that Steve had said something to Danny about his feelings at last, and that the guy rejecting him was the only reason he'd told Chin he loved him.

"But you know what? After I got home and I was alone, all I could think was how wrong I'd been. I was thinking about you and me, and… it was like a _memory_ of how I'd felt about Danny was making me think that chance existed. Not something current. And Danny… Danny's not gay; that's all there is to it. He loves me like a buddy and I've been responding to that all along, not realising how much I've been fighting what you and I had. It was like some kind of epiphany; that's why I was so late coming over. Once I got it sorted in my head, I knew I had to give us a chance."

Chin couldn't resist kissing him again, pulling Steve near as he lay back against the pillows. The kisses this time were long and slow, sensual and caressing, and Chin could feel a slow build up of desire low in his body; one he was sure Steve was feeling too. The relief of knowing Steve no longer saw him as second best was one of the most incredible aphrodisiacs Chin had ever felt.

He had to make something clear though, and pulled back to speak. "Tomorrow, hoa kaunu, we can tell them if you're sure that's what you want to do, but you know it doesn't matter either way to me, right? I can wait."

"Look, Danny's been up-front with me the whole way. I feel like I've been lying to him all this time, _and_ I've been short-changing you. Let's do this, brah, as long as you're sure you're okay with it too?" The look in Steve's eyes changed, as if he had suddenly realized that Chin might be reluctant.

Chin doubted their ohana would be anything but happy for them, no matter what.

"Steve." He smiled at Steve in reassurance. "Kono already knows something's been going on with us." He let a breath out softly and kissed Steve again, stroking fingers through his hair. "Danny should know too. He's ohana after all, right? And Lori too, even though she's new. Hey, if this is how it is, they may as well get used to it."

Steve's smile finally reappeared as he nodded. "It's well past time."

Chin's answering grin couldn't have been wider.

**~ END ~**


End file.
